In Nightmares It Swells by Candice Moraga
Monsters at night- the monsters are real
Wish I could sleep, but in dreams I still feel
Try to pretend, paint on a happy face
But inside it’s still dark, deep in a secret place
Can I fool all the others? Yes, it’s so easy
They don’t want to know me, ‘cause they’re all so sleazy
They want inside, but not inside of my mind
Why is understanding so fucking hard to find?
Deep inside, a rage fucking dwells
It comes and it goes – in nightmares it swells
I feel like punching, and lashing out
I feel like screaming – I want to shout
The best I can do without looking insane
Is to sing it all out – the pain in my brain
Fucked up as it is – Fucked as it may be
I wish I could hurt him, the way he hurt me
But he’s so fucked up already, I couldn’t make him any worse
He’ll have his own issues, ‘til he rolls off in a hearse
What was done to him, he did to me
And so we’re bonded together – abused camaraderie
What does he want from me – sympathy?
Strangely enough – he gets pity from me
How the hell can I ever make this right?
How can I chase the demons in the night?
I’m so sick of being sweet little Candi
When I want to bite, to scratch, to flee
Internal chaos – anarchy
Hurt, fear, misery
When I wake in the morning, I spackle my face
You can’t see inside me –you won’t see a trace
You’ll make your own judgment – see what you wanna see
But you won’t see inside – No, not the real me
“Oh – she’s a party girl,” a “faery,” a “witch”
“a scared little girl,” “the devil,” “a bitch”
“Innocent” “bad girl” “good girl” “unstable”
When really I don’t need another label
I live life in costume - The world is a stage
You can’t guess my life, like you can’t guess my age
Trapped in my castle, my solitude
With sprinklings of glitter, to lighten my mood
Company usually a waste of my time
They don’t want to know me, and won’t hear my rhyme
Thank God that I still have the choice
To sing it all out – can they hear my voice?
